FINDING THE VALUE OF "X" WHEN CALCULATION CAN'T

“He allowed himself to be swayed by his conviction that human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, but that life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves.”

― Gabriel García Márquez, Love in the Time of Cholera


If you're like me, you appreciate concrete answers to problems. Unable to find a solution is frustrating to the point of mania. This is especially true if you revere the laws of math and science as I do, especially when they apply to life's experiences. I find solace in the fact that answers to complex questions can be derived through calculation and proven theories. I have witnessed them first-hand in my most challenging circumstances and use them to make sense of multi-faced situations.

I excelled at solving equations when I was young and spent hours in my family's basement with my chemistry kit heating substances in Bunsen burners and dissolving them with solutions in beakers. At the same time, I would be building a radio or morse code transmitter with my electronics kit and tending to my ant farm, which I procured by mailing in hundreds of box tops from my favorite cereal, Apple Jacks. I even began college at the University of Connecticut as a chemistry major with dreams of combining science and creativity as a top chemist for a major cosmetics company.

This educational path didn't last beyond my sophomore year because all the University's math and science Teaching Assistants were Korean and spoke only rudimentary English. As the math got more difficult, they were unable to explain how to solve equations so they just solved them for you. This helped me score well on assignments but left me clueless on exams, causing me to leave the program. Nevertheless, I carried my affinity for certainty into adulthood as I planned my future. I believed by following proven strategies for success, such as living in the "right" city, working at the "right" company, working out at the "right" gym, and meeting the "right" people, I would achieve my goals of career notoriety, financial security, fitness, and leisurely pursuits. Seems simple, doesn't it?

However, since my career began, I've been thrown several health-related curve balls, starting with a diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis at age 26. With denial being my preferred method of dealing with obstacles, I ignored this threat, hid it from my employer and everyone outside my family, and continued to follow self-imposed "success" guidelines. I thought people who succumbed to health crises were weak, avoiding hard work, and giving up their dreams. George Washington, who was dyslexic, said, "99% of failures come from people who make excuses.” I rest my case.

FDR became a paraplegic from contracting polio and was relegated to a wheelchair in an era much less accommodating of people with disabilities. JFK had severe back problems and Addison's Disease, causing him to be hospitalized nine times, live in crippling pain, and take amphetamines, cortisone, and other serious drugs every day to manage his symptoms. Yet neither man let his challenges stand in the way of becoming President of the United States. So why couldn't I follow their example? My determination to persevere in the face of difficulty worked for years until I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer when I was 31 and my efforts became analogous to trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. As a result, my life has turned out differently than expected.

Although I had the best intentions to maintain a direct path, that plan didn't materialize. My road has been neither straight nor even "forked" once or twice. If you consider the practice of palmistry, which believes the lines in your palm grow over time and split when events cause you to pursue a different route or way of thinking, mine look like those of a person twice my age-- repeatedly intersecting like intertwining tree branches or tangled roots that have been growing underground.

Now I view my life as a seemingly endless ride on a local train I can’t debark-- a trip with dozens of stops but, unlike the train, the stops and destination are unknown. If there is a formula for success I was born with it but at the most inconvenient times all my constants became variables making it impossible to come up with the right answer. Or any answer at all. Or maybe x is the answer. The unknown.

Overcoming obstacles is an inherent part of achieving goals. I have never wanted to follow the wind wherever it takes me or be a "free spirit." I used to view people who did this as unable to hold commitments and shamefully uninterested in becoming productive members of society. I still do to some degree. And I don't believe everything happens for a reason. In fact, I agree with the popular meme "Everything happens for a reason, but what if the reason is you're stupid and make bad decisions."

I don’t know if I will live a long life. I don’t know if I want to.  I have the feeling God needs me to stay here to endure more challenges, absorb more pain, and help more people before we can sit down and have a beer together. I'm getting used to my local train ride and learning from the experiences it presents knowing the value of x is not always obvious. When this happens, it usually means it's time to recalculate and create a formula that enables you to draw your own conclusion. Often the answer doesn't become apparent for years. But trust there is merit in every situation, especially difficult ones, because it is then when we discover our strength and evolve as individuals.